Lost

Losing the one thing that I have ever dreamed of having was something that I can't express in words. I'm broken. I have tried to heal from this loss. All I'm good at is hiding the pain. I dream of who that child would be, who they would look like, would they have my crazy personality and passion for life? Honestly I will never know. It crushes my heart. I thought I would be fine with not trying again and moving on with life without my own children. Now 5 years later, I want that again but where do I start.

My weight has always been an issue. I've never been a skinny girl, always overweight. I've tried diet, exercising, diet pills, fasting, name it I have done it. No matter what I did the weight never really came off. Sure I've lost a handful of pounds and was able to keep it off but it always came back. I've always have been self conscious about it. I need to get this under control in order to move forward with trying again. My primary care provider is knowledgeable and great. I love her but she doesn't know the ins and outs of PCOS and what it entails. She referred me to endocrinology. Talk about a wait list..2-3 months before I am able to see anyone. I didn't want to see just anyone, I wanted to see a provider that is very knowledgeable about PCOS. I scheduled an appointment for the end of this July but I got called in June to come in, someone had cancelled their appointment. I got in a month early.

My questions for my endocrinologist, were how do we get my hormones in check, how can we get this weight off, and what can we do so PCOS doesn't control my body. I didn't want to get my hopes up again, because they always come crashing down. In fact I had no hope at all. I've lost all hope a long time ago. Meeting with Kathy was so amazing. She talked with me in depth about my experiences and what I have tried and failed and what was successful for me.

Before meeting with her, I was already on Metformin, which is prescribed commonly for those who have PCOS and it helps with the body's way of producing insulin. It can be a tough drug as there are a lot of GI side effects. I have been on Escitalopram for my depression and anxiety. I'm also on Trazodone so I can sleep at night. My fasting labs for glucose were higher but not really out of control. My Hemoglobin A1C (looks at your glucose over a few months) was 5.9, slightly above but not bad.

Kathy talked about diabetes, which is very common with PCOS. She asked if I would be ok with being labeled with diabetes (DM) type II. It didn't shock me at all, in fact I saw it coming. Kathy is concerned of my weight, which again has been a struggle for me my entire life. She wanted me to take a more aggressive approach to weight loss. Explaining to her it doesn't come off. I'm always hungry, my brain is doesn't tell me when I'm full, which is one of the symptoms of DM. Kathy wanted to recheck my A1C and a couple other labs including Vitamin D.

Kathy prescribed Bydureon, an injectable medication I would give myself once a week to help with DM. At first I was skeptical of it working for me.  This medication would help reduce my hunger and tell my brain that I'm full and hopefully this will help along with diet and exercise to reduce my weight. So I feel like I'm a medicine cabinet. Not only I'm still taking my current medications, she added Bydureon and multivitamin. Depending my lab results there might be more.

I left my appointment with HOPE that this with her help I could conquer this disease. I completed my labs and met with her a few days later to get the results. One of the benefits of working in a clinic is that I can access my own chart and check the labs before she tells me :). All my labs came back good, my A1C never moved so that's good but my Vitamin D test...well lets say that I bombed it. I had a very low count. I was probably 6-10 times below the normal range. Kathy added Vitamin D a mega dose twice a week to my regimen. One thing she explained to me is that vitamin and mineral levels in our bodies need to be in good ranges to help with conceiving. She wants me to be taking vitamins to help my body work the way I need it too.

After starting to take everything I have been prescribed, I started noticing my body's reaction to the Bydureon. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG, where has this been??? I can not, I repeat CAN NOT eat what I used too. I'm so full all the time. Carbs, sugar and no longer being craved. To the date I've lost 28.9 pounds since (June 20th). I'm noticing I can work out longer, I can walk faster and I have more energy (thanks to vitamin D). I am not advertising medications. In fact I rather not take them, however I have been off of everything for a long time and feel I have spiraled downward. I know I need them to help level my body out because my body is not normal. It doesn't work like everyone else's, can we say THANK YOU PCOS (no sarcasm at all lol).

So right now, weight loss is my journey. My goal is to drop 100 pounds. I have a great circle of family and friends to help encourage me and kick me in the butt when needed.